Christian Etiquette, by Dorothy Owens, says “The essence of good manners is consideration….When you are considerate of the feelings of others, their sensibilities, their opinions, and their welfare, you are manifesting innate courtesy on which all good manners are based.” One way that we can be considerate of the feelings, sensibilities, opinions, and welfare of others is by keeping confidences. It is important for us, as Christian believers, to be discreet with others’ private information, and we can be great confidence keepers by applying a few simple Biblical principles.
Keeping confidences is an essential discipline to build into our communications with others. When someone chooses to share a private matter on their heart, we can respond with the utmost respect and love for them by holding those private matters close to us, rather than sharing them with others. When someone entrusts us with confidential information, we have an opportunity to imitate God, Who is endlessly trustworthy. We want to be faithful like our heavenly Father.
Proverbs 11:13:
A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
As God’s people, we are not talebearers, or scandalmongers—someone who travels about and circulates scandal. We are faithful to conceal matters that others trust us to conceal. Being careful with our words has benefits beyond protecting the interests of others. Proverbs says that guarding our mouth is the difference between keeping our life and coming to ruin.
Proverbs 13:3 [The Amplified Bible (1987)]:
He who guards his mouth keeps his life, but he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
There are so many wonderful things that we can discuss openly with anyone—God’s Word being first among them. But when it comes to the private matters of someone else’s life, we are wise to guard what we say and to whom we say it. As ambassadors for Christ, we want others to be at ease with us, knowing that even the secret things on their hearts are safe with us.
God’s Word contains some practical keys that can help us avoid revealing a secret, intentionally or unintentionally. Before discussing any kind of private information, we can remember and apply these keys from God’s Word:
Be slow to speak.
James 1:19 tells us that every man should be swift to hear and slow to speak. We think before we speak, and we are careful not to let emotions rush us into sharing information that should remain private. We weigh our words carefully out of consideration for others.Be aware if others are present when having a private discussion.
It’s important to be aware of our surroundings when we discuss private matters. If we don’t pay close attention and aren’t aware if someone is around us when we speak, it could be easy for someone to overhear private information that is not intended for their ears.Ecclesiastes 10:20:
Curse not the king, no not in thy thought; and curse not the rich in thy bedchamber: for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which hath wings shall tell the matter.We don’t always know how something spoken can get out, but it can seem that walls have ears. Our best guarantee that information will not fall into the wrong hands is to avoid speaking it at all.
Walk in love.
If we feel the temptation to reveal information in order to feel important, we can remember that we are to serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13). Love is not self-centered. We see in I Corinthians 13 that love “envieth not,” “vaunteth not itself,” “is not puffed up,” and “seeketh not her own.” When we walk in love, our focus will be on others, and we will have no need to prove our own importance.
It is important to note that in certain circumstances it is both ethical and necessary to reveal private information. For example, we should not protect information that conceals an illegal activity or information that needs to be revealed in order to prevent harm to another person. At other times, we may need to reveal confidential information in order to get help with a situation. In this case, we would be wise to get the individual’s permission before revealing his or her information to a third party.
Keeping confidences is an essential part of our communications with others as Christians and faithful believers. To avoid revealing secrets, we can practice being swift to hear and slow to speak, being aware of our surroundings when discussing private matters, and walking in love, putting others’ needs before our own. It’s a joy and privilege to share in others’ lives and take care of their hearts by keeping confidences.